One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
