my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
