guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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