Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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