Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
