someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
