i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
