i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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