theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
