Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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