i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
