Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
