hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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