Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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