these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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