is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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