The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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