well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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