Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
