Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
