How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
