Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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