On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
