How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
How's work?
Spinning.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
