I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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