He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
