but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
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