My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
