Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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