Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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