Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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