I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
