your thong is hanging out like whoa
I need help removing her.
My liver just broke up with me...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize
