i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
