Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
