I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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