i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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