My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
