Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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