you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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