In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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