the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
