What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
