just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
