I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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