Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
