help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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