mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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