Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
