Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
