I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
