I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She's the barista slut.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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