What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Two words: nipple clamps
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