Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
