She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
