you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
