I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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