just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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